“I don’t like to brag, but when a certain editor at a certain world-famous Australian literary magazine contacted me—his voice full of clear, unadulterated desperation—I told him everything would be okay, and I knew this to be 110 per cent true.
This magazine had recently been awarded significant arts funding from honest taxpayers like you and I to help it re-conceptualise and re-launch into the world. Sure enough, this editor had jetted off to the United States on the taxpayer’s dime, filling up his social media accounts with plenty of nice updates but seeming to be doing little of apparent value.
This editor admitted to me privately that he’d blown most of the cash on TripAdvisor vouchers, vegan karaoke and something I didn’t quite catch but sounded uncannily like “dog whiskey”. Here was a person who needed help, and I was clearly his last hope. Of course, as one of this country’s Leading New Media Managers, and needing to serve the last few hours of a particularly thorny community service order, I was only too happy to help.
Truth be told, I’d been waiting for an opportunity to plunge into the electric lap pool of the Boutique Magazine Revolution. As I told this editor when he e-visited me in my offices deep in the Internet District, the 2015 magazine reader wants more. More now more than ever. And more of it. More often. Today’s readers crave the narrative and visual nourishment that yesterday’s magazines can’t deliver. Today’s consumers want a journal of their times; a detailed, nuanced and well-designed exploration of who we are and why we live. To put it mildly, I was 120 per cent ready to blast this assignment right in the face.
I e-ushered this editor into my Brain Cave and we talked Rebranditude™. I told him he had to think big. I felt like Don Drapper in Made Men as I led the editor through my vision of a complete überhaul of the magazine, from its Opt-in User Brandgagement, to its Downstream Content Policing, right through to Native Guerrilla Crashtags. Nothing was off-limits. What I proposed was nothing less than a complete reimagining of what the magazine is. A new name; a new philosophy; a 380 degree flip.
We discussed many new visions. Below are just a few that I gave him, any of which, when the editor chooses one, will undoubtedly become the Hottest Magazine of 2015. I, for one, cannot wait to experience it.
A Quarterly Collection of Interviews with People who Have Interviewed Cate Blanchett
The Architecture Journal That Is Anything You Want It to Be As Long As That Is Pictures of Concrete
The Only Magazine Designed and Printed Underneath the Sea
64 Thick, Creamy Pages You Can’t Eat But Really Want To
Where Narrative, Art and Huge Butts Meet
Celebrating The Home as A Space You Should Never Touch
Generously Spaced Photos of Craft Beers for the Modern Gentleman
Ethical Parkour For Today’s Dog Owner
The Magazine for the Skeptical Business Leader Willing to be Won Over
Bear Attack/Localvore Narratives
Oral Histories of Sam de Brito Voicemails
The Only Literary Journal That Can Hold Your Groceries
Modern, Empowering and Worryingly Erotic Flipbooks
The Only Bike Design Quarterly Where Every Second Word is German
That Thing You Thought Was Cool Fucking Well Isn’t
The Refreshing Modern Biannual for Smart Independent Chicks Who Are Always Going On About Something
851 x 315
Facebook Banners to Cut and Keep
All the Writing is On the Front Cover so There’s More Space for Sick Skateboards
Just Podcast Recommendations
Gentle Cardigan Patterns and Light Pencil Sketches of Fanciful Woodland Creatures
Journalism So Slow Each Story is Necessarily Completed by The Writer’s Grandchildren
M T H R B R D
Photos of Deconstructed 80s Computers on White Tables, Guaranteed
The Only Magazine Made From and Inspired By Foraged Danish Marsh Plants
Not Really Sure, But Make it $94 per Issue And No One Will Really Care