‘The Honeymoon Stage’, by Oscar Schwartz

image

Public domain image via Pixabay.

ellen degeneres


if there is one thing you know without doubt
it is the pleasure of arabica coffee beans
if there is one thing you do with abandon
it is an above average irish accent
we consider these facts in the kitchen
and i encourage you to apply to the ellen degeneres show
to perform your irish accent, to which you respond
“let’s say i do apply and i do make it on the show
ellen will ask me to dance before my segment and
if there is one thing i promised myself i would never do
it is dance on cable television”
i look at you in the kitchen drinking coffee
if i know one thing about you it is that
even if you did get on the ellen degeneres show
you would not be changed by your sudden fame
you would come home and talk of the pleasure
of arabica coffee beans and for this alone you
remain more reliable than caffeine
more true than the latest season of the
increasingly popular ellen degeneres show

the honeymoon stage


i

good news about the future
the law will change so that
everyone is married to everyone
therefore you are married to someone you love
but according to logic you are
also married to someone you hate
to people you have never met, to your family
to every politician in the world, you are also married to celebrities
and to use logic once more, even if you don’t love me now
trust me, we are married in the future

ii

being in a state of constant marriage
your life will be an endless honeymoon
moving from one spouse to the next
what of our inevitable honeymoon?
i have made a reservation in fiji, a four star resort
with a good seafood buffet
complimentary massage and sulfur baths
you will become so comfortable that
you’ll have to go snorkeling three times a day to stay awake
your body will become soft with tropical sea water
you will love snorkeling, it will drive you insane

lance armstrong


i

yesterday lance armstrong admitted to being a drug cheat
today i found a lance armstrong bracelet
made out of yellow rubber
in a bird’s nest
that had fallen from a tree outside a church

i don’t know what to make of this
is it a sign
should i take it seriously
does it mean that you want us to get back together?

ii

i found this today in a bird’s nest outside a church
i don’t know what it means
it reminded me of you
how i am so excited by you
how you make me feel even better than when i feel fashionable
how nothing could improve your looks

i thought maybe you left it there for me
either way
will you accept this lance armstrong bracelet?

The Honeymoon Stage first appeared in The Lifted Brow: Digital, Volume 9, Issue 2: The Doing It Right Edition.

Oscar Schwartz is a writer from Melbourne exploring the relationship between digital technology and literature. He tweets at @scarschwartz, blogs at botpoet.tumblr.com and has a podcast called The Future is Now.